"Shoulds"…… We use them all the time. We think they’re ok or even helpful, but really…they are traps! When we use them, we trap ourselves in a rigid way of thinking and we corner others into being wrong.

I talk about these “gems” so frequently in sessions that I felt it was important to offer them to everyone.  Why are they called gems? I call them gems because of the enormous value they can have in relationship communication.

Have you ever felt… like your husband isn’t getting it? …like your wife just doesn’t understand you? …as if your sister has no clue what it’s like to be in your shoes?  …   If you have a “yes” for one of these then I would like to give you these “gems”.  However, I’m going to ask you to do something with them that might not seem helpful.  I’m going to ask you to give the gems away.  I’m going to ask you to give them to the person (let’s call them your partner for now) that doesn’t understand you, for a very good reason.  The reason is, (for some reason, I feel like I should whisper this) …they’re probably feeling the same way as you are.

Four things to avoid in any relationship

1. Criticism

One of the things that people in relationship often do is criticize their partners to get them to change. Does it work? Well if my wife called me a “lazy-good-for-nothing” the last thing I would feel like is being attentive to her needs. In our attempts to get our wives, our husbands, our boyfriends or girlfriends to change we basically give them a slap in the face.  Try to avoid it. Try to find different ways to tell them what it is you need without the “elbow-to-their-ribs.”