I talk about these “gems” so frequently in sessions that I felt it was important to offer them to everyone. Why are they called gems? I call them gems because of the enormous value they can have in relationship communication.
Have you ever felt… like your husband isn’t getting it? …like your wife just doesn’t understand you? …as if your sister has no clue what it’s like to be in your shoes? … If you have a “yes” for one of these then I would like to give you these “gems”. However, I’m going to ask you to do something with them that might not seem helpful. I’m going to ask you to give the gems away. I’m going to ask you to give them to the person (let’s call them your partner for now) that doesn’t understand you, for a very good reason. The reason is, (for some reason, I feel like I should whisper this) …they’re probably feeling the same way as you are.
Reader: “What? Give them away? I don’t know what these gems are, but I certainly will not give them away.” Why should I give anything away when I’m not getting them myself?
Dave: Yes. I can understand your questions. You want to be understood by your partner, ( husband, wife, girlfriend, boss, partner, brother) and you simply want them to listen and see where you’re coming from. I get it. And if I were in your shoes, I’d probably feel the exact same way as you do. In fact, it makes sense that sometimes, the last thing you want to do is give your partner the understanding that s/he seems unwilling to give you.
Dave: Ok…Time out… What was it like to read that last paragraph? Did you feel at all understood? Did some part of you say, “Yes. That’s right.”? If that is so, even subtly, then you have received the gift. In that paragraph I gave you the 5 gems. And now that you have them, I want you to give them away.
Reader: What are you talking about?
Dave: Ok. Here it is. The 5 gems are:
- I understand.
- I get it.
- I see where you’re coming from
- If I were in your shoes, I would probably feel the same way
- It makes sense to me that you would feel that way.
Giving these 5 “gems” (or something similar) to the person you are arguing with calms the waters. Instead of arguing your point, your side, your opinion…if you can switch gears and start saying these things (without any hint of sarcasm) you are giving your partner a gift they might well be starving for. And if you learn to do this well (and it does take practice to say them authentically) you might even see your partner take a deep breath and relax or fall back into her chair and sigh or even begin to cry. They won't need to argue their point anymore because you have shown that you understand…which is all they wanted in the first place!
Reader: Does this really work? I don’t know if I believe it.
Dave: Example: About one year ago, my wife felt emotionally betrayed by my spending time with a mutual friend she had had a falling out with (She would probably describe the situation differently, but its close enough for me at the moment.) Needless to say, she was hurt and disappointed when I told her about it. From my perspective, there was no betrayal. But I could see that saying so was only causing her to argue her point further. We were drifting dangerously close to a “YES!/NO!” fighting match which is very much a no-win situation. (She wins – I feel like shit: I win – she feels like shit… and then makes me feel like shit later.)
The conversation was beginning to escalate. So…I changed tactics. I shut my mouth and let her say her side without interruption. I began saying the “gems” and stopped defending myself completely. This went on for between 10 and 15 minutes. I did my best not to take it personally and not get defensive (See article on “the 4 horsemen”).
If I had caved in and defended myself, the argument would have started up immediately. She needed the gems at that moment and I gave her lots of them (but not too many to make her suspicious). And when she was done, (and I swear this is true) she breathed out, sat back and said how impressed she was that I was able to handle her the way I did. I’m not saying this to boast. The Lord knows how I can’t do this 100% of the time…not even close…but if we can move from doing this 0% to 10% or from 20% to 30% of the time, we are giving an incredibly important gift to the people that are closest to us. And what a generous person you will be.
These gems are one of the most self-sustainable resources that we have in a relationship. In many relationships, the more you give them away, the more you make it possible to receive them. Giving them cultivates a environment of love, teamwork and helpfulness. Withholding understanding breeds an environment of selfishness, hostility and loneliness.
Reader: But I don’t really want to give anything…I just want my partner to understand me. S/he's the one with the problem.
Dave: I understand. And…if you’re partner has a problem in the relationship, then you do too. I’ll tell you what I often say in individual counselling. “We could talk about changing your partner for 20 years and they might not change one iota. But you change yourself now, you make it hard for them NOT to change”. If you succeed in changing thewaltz you’ve been doing for the last 6 years to salsa, it will be hard for your dance partner not to change his/her dance also. And all it takes is one person to take dancing lessons to make the couple dance better. As Mahatma Ghandi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world”.
+ I must add a note here… This information can be useful in relationships between two relatively mature adults. In abusive relationships, it's important to avoid the continuation of unhealthy patterns. Also, it is not helpful for adults to expect their children to provide this type of understanding for them. It is up to the adult to give this understanding to their children. Children will then learn how the gems work and be able to give them away themselves .
I hope this helps.
Dave