"Shoulds"…… We use them all the time. We think they’re ok or even helpful, but really…they are traps! When we use them, we trap ourselves in a rigid way of thinking and we corner others into being wrong.
Some examples:
- “You shouldn’t be angry at me. I didn’t do anything wrong.”
- “Our relationship shouldn’t be like this. It should be better. We shouldn’t be having these problems.”
- “He should not spend so much time on the computer.”
- “You should be doing more around the house.”
- “They should plow the roads in Edmonton. I shouldn’t be getting stuck in the snow.”
We can point them at ourselves as well.
- “I shouldn’t be feeling like this.”
- “I should be making more money.”
- “I should be more accomplished by now.”
- “I shouldn’t have done that.”
- “I shouldn’t be so sensitive.”
- “I shouldn’t be so ….. (you name it)
- “I should be….( you name it)
Shoulds are like sharp arrows that we shoot at people (or ourselves.) They just simply hurt.
So… What should I do about it?
Getting out of the trap of the shoulds, is not easy. It takes diligence. But if we can become more aware of the trap and make changes, everyone around us (including ourselves) will breathe easier.
What to do instead:
Stop "shoulding" all over people in your life. Try replacing should statements with "I'd like…" or "I want…" statements (this is actually closer to the truth anyway).
Some examples:
- "Everybody in Edmonton should drive safely" can be replaced with "I'd really like it if everybody in Edmonton drove as safely as I do."
- "You should be fine with me spending time with my friends." can be replaced with “I'd really love it if you accepted that I spend time with my friends”.
- “Everyone should work as hard as I do.” can be replaced with “I want everyone to pull their weight.
- "You should just take out the trash without my asking you to" can be replaced with, “I’d like it if I didn’t have to ask you to take out the trash.
But shouldn’t some things be done in certain way?? Shouldn’t people stop at red lights! What’s so wrong with "shoulds"?
Nothing is wrong with "shoulds". They just don't work well in relationships…even in the one with our self.
Yes. People in Edmonton should stop at red lights… We all know how dangerous it is when they don’t. But that doesn’t make it universally right. One look at traffic in India, for example, will tell you otherwise. When I was in India, I was appalled by the driving conditions. In some areas, lights aren’t obeyed at all. The bigger the vehicle, the more right-of-way it has, no matter the traffic signal. But, in India, that works for THEM. It is a different way of doing things… not better, not worse, just different. And their way works… just about as well ours.
I even asked a taxi driver what he thought would happen if the police tried to enforce traffic laws. He said that there would be traffic anarchy with accidents all over the roads and the country would come to an abrupt halt.
My point is that when we use the word “should” we usually make another person (or ourselves) wrong. In doing so, we are inflicting pain.
If you don't believe me, ask your partner to tell you, for 15 minutes in a row, how you should live your life, what you've done wrong in the last month and what you should have done. And then see how you're feeling. I'd wager you won't feel your best.
I sometimes joke with clients saying that to me, the word “should” is the only word in the English language that shouldn’t be there.
I hope this proves helpful.
Dave