Four things to avoid in any relationship
1. Criticism
One of the things that people in relationship often do is criticize their partners to get them to change. Does it work? Well if my wife called me a “lazy-good-for-nothing” the last thing I would feel like is being attentive to her needs. In our attempts to get our wives, our husbands, our boyfriends or girlfriends to change we basically give them a slap in the face. Try to avoid it. Try to find different ways to tell them what it is you need without the “elbow-to-their-ribs.”
2. Contempt
The definition from the Canadian Oxford Dictionary is, “a feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration or worthless, or deserving of scorn or extreme reproach“. Does that sound like how you feel about your partner? Would your partner say that they feel this from you at times? If so, then the relationship might be in trouble. It can be abusive, such as deliberately making your partner look or feel bad in company. It can take the form ofundermining their authority with the kids. Sometimes contempt can be subtle. It can be as subtle as a rolling of the eyes. Contempt is beyond criticism ofthe behaviour and is criticism of who that person is. It’s criticism to the max.
3. Defensiveness
Her: You forgot to take out the garbage.
Him: No I didn’t. I was waiting for you to be done with making so much of it. Why do you have to nag me all the time about it? I don’t nag you when you don’t do the laundry on time.
Defensiveness is letting our need to “not-be-wrong” get in the way of our relationship. When we get defensive, we avoid taking responsibility. For many couples who argue a lot, their need to be right has become more important than their need to have a good relationship. Communication may have turned in to a ping-pong game each person hitting the ball as hard as they can at the other. “Yes. I forgot to take out the garbage. Let me do it right now.” would be a much better and more authentic response and would avoid much unnecessary arguing.
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling is when somebody is trying to share their perspective with you and you pretending that you are by yourself, not listening to a word they’re saying. It can be absolutely frustrating for the person you’re in relationship with and can have serious consequences over time.
I must say here that no relationship is perfect. We all do these things in little ways if not big ones. The first thing to do is to be aware of when you are doing them….and own it. If you can, apologize for doing it and tell your partner that you are working on not doing that any more. That should go over much better than giving him or her the silent treatment.
For more about these, you can read Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman. He refers to these fourbehaviours as“ the 4 Horsemen of the apocalypse” to avoid in any relationship.
I hope this helps.
Dave