The following dialog is taken from a text conversation with a client over the span of approximately 2 weeks. The conversation has been reduced to the pertinent material. It is published with the client’s permission. Names and identifying information have been changed to maintain confidentiality.
Alison recently moved from Edmonton to Montreal. At first she experienced the initial excitement of being in a new place and some loneliness being away from her parents and friends. She soon began dating a new man, Pete, and was excited and hopeful that it would lead to something long-term …and slightly concerned that it might not. After about 4 months, Alison felt that Pete was distancing himself and her worries and fears began to escalate…
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Alison: Our time together has been very intimate and we’ve waited to be physical… which has been nice and made me feel stronger. But on Monday, I saw him comment on social media on a girl’s selfie – all he said in his comment was “babe”, but it added to my theory that he’s not interested in me anymore.
Dave: Negative theories get us in trouble. Do your best to challenge them. Instead, find theories that make you feel more peaceful, more inspired, more loving, more loved. If he isn’t interested anymore you will be alright. If he is interested, you will be alright. The bottom line is that you’ll be alright.
Alison: So the comment on her social media could just mean that than he likes the way she looked and nothing more?
Dave: Couldn’t it?
Alison: I don’t know… It just seems like it happened on Monday and now communication patterns changed. It seems obvious that one affected the other. This is literally the stuff my brain does not stop looping about.
Dave: You may be right – but you may not be right. At the moment we don’t know.
In any case, use this as an opportunity to train your mind. The mind is like a child. When we aren’t supervising it, it gets into rooms that aren’t “child-friendly”. It’s up to us to gently parent it, with love and kindness, and also be firm when necessary.
When the mind is “looping” it’s in a scary room and it’s scared to come out. The good news is that you can guide it out. Give the mind the supervision it needs and wants and you and it will feel safer and better in no time. Thoughts like, “Everything is going to works out for me.” or “I’m actually ok.” guide your mind out of fear. Even if these positive thoughts don’t seem to be true for all aspects of your life, they are certainly true for some. So you’re not lying to yourself when you think them. You are simply taking the focus away from the “loop”.
Alison: I think I have these superstitions or beliefs that I was meant to see that comment as a warning…which sounds so crazy but my brain believes it.
Dave: Are you believing things that are in your mind just because they’re there? Don’t believe everything you think, just because you think it! If you realize that it’s a “superstition” that’s awesome!! Superstitions are primitive ways of understanding a confusing world. Just because I think the thought “I’m going to have bad luck because a black cat crosses my path doesn’t make it true. But if I really believe it to be true, it becomes true…. not because it’s inherently true, but because I give it my focus and find evidence for it being true. And then, when I slip on a slippery part of the path, I say it’s because of the cat.
Alison: I think it’s more of a “did the universe lead me there to that comment? Is it a sign?”
Dave: The universe loves us so much it gives us free will to interpret everything the way we decide. So if you feel led somewhere, its up to you to interpret it. If it feels crappy, then you’ve looked at something in a negative way. If it feels good, then you’re looking at it in a positive way.
The word “babe” is actually just neutral. We determine if it’s (+) or (-). It could be a sign that he can appreciate “good looks”. And he’s been with you for 4 months. What would that mean he appreciates about you?
And if you and he decide to go separate paths, couldn’t that be a sign that he wasn’t the right one for you at this point in your life? Couldn’t this be a sign that someone MORE right for you is out there?
Alison: I guess that is true…I don’t trust…I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop with men. I look for things to be suspicious of.
Dave: If you’re looking for something, I can guarantee you will find it.
We create “evidence” based on our beliefs about life. …not the other way around. If I really believe, for example, “I can’t lose weight” I will for sure find tons of evidence why I can’t stop eating twinkies.
Alison: My brain is a liar and I am choosing to believe it.
Dave: Yes!
Alison: But fear feels so true! I’ve had suspicions in the past and when the respective relationship ended I felt like my thinking was right and justified. “So I better believe it in the future” is what my mind says.
Dave: The mind creates theories based on our beliefs. Then it tries to prove them. It’s doing what it was designed to do. Just be aware and choose thoughts that feel more centered, more peaceful, more relaxed.
Alison: To choose thoughts that make me feel better feels like choosing to live in delusion.
Dave: We’re all deluding ourselves… in a sense. I look at the chair and it looks like a chair I got timeouts in when I was a kid. So to me it’s a horrible chair. To you, the chair is beautiful. It looks like a chair your parents read you bedtime stories in. Which is the truth? The chair is just the chair. It’s neutral. So both ideas are delusions.
What feels better – to believe that he’s no longer interested or to trust that you’re in the right place at the right time and that you will be ok either way?
Alison: I think I choose negative because if I don’t get my hopes up I won’t be let down.
Dave: Can you see that this way of thinking is also deluded? What is life like for people who believe that they can’t be excited about anything because the “other shoe will drop at some point”?
Alison: And now I am thinking…he is waiting till the weekend to end it because I just started this job this week…or he will just let it fade out. But I guess he responded to my message today so… Is that irrational?
Dave: Any interpretation is delusion… in a sense.
Alison: That thought I had above is irrational isn’t it?
Dave: From the perspective of fear, it’s very rational and true. From the perspective of abundance of love, it doesn’t really make sense.
Alison: So I just need to live like things are going well for me no matter what?
Dave: Can you see benefit in doing so?
Alison: Yes, but it just feels emotionally reckless.
Dave: It’s actually the opposite. It’s emotionally disciplined.
Alison: I agree…the rational part of me completely agrees. But my knee-jerk reaction that I am putting myself in danger.
Dave: Understandable! And so we remember that when we get a little knee-jerked (and we all do) that it’s simply a knee-jerk, not sign of something “true”.
Alison: So I am just going to have to be really uncomfortable for awhile it seems because what is comfortable, namely trusting my suspicions, isn’t working, is unhealthy and will ruin the good things.
Dave: How courageous of you, Alison. Being uncomfortable isn’t so fun for most people.
Alison: So I need to remember to guide my thoughts. If I find myself in a “thought-loop” I have to think of something that makes me feel better… even if it’s unrelated to the loop, right?
Dave: Keep being aware of how your feeling. If you’re feeling warm, excited, interested, curious, good… you’re on the right track.
Alison: Thank you for all of this. That last message of yours is my new mantra. I will keep you posted.
Dave: Yes, please do!
One week later – Pete has not contacted Alison.
Alison: I think its hard because, in a way, I feel like I may have manifested the silence from the guy here which is a bit of a pill to swallow.
Dave: How are you with that?
Alison: Really sad actually.
Dave: Sure…I can understand. …How would you like to be with it?
Alison: I don’t know…I would like to hear from him and hear that it was just a moment of freak out or something on his part. But I guess right now I would love to be unaffected by it. And to not think about the fact that he is probably meeting new people. And I want it to not feel like he found something better which I know is not truth and I am working in my own self worth but the hardest part is to feel like I probably manifested part of this.
It’s hard when it’s confusing. Everything was so great and almost magical and then it just feels like it went away with no verbal explanation.
Dave: Yes…I understand. This is the perfect time to train your mind to think thoughts that make you feel better…. like how you actually ARE unaffected by this, how you don’t need anything from “outside” to make you feel good, how you are already complete. This opens the possibility for a MORE perfectly-suited being, to show up.
Alison: Yes, I know you are right and I have been making a lot of progress in remembering. Truthfully I am also upset with myself because I feel like I put so much negative fear and energy towards it all falling apart that it did and I blame myself.
Dave: No need to blame yourself for anything. It’s not about blame or guilt. It’s only about seeing how innocent you are/we all are.
This happening to allow a better possibility to show up; with him or without him.
Would you really want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t say what’s going on for themselves? …who doesn’t communicate?
The universe is doing you a HUGE favour.
Alison: Right…and I am trying to remember that. After 4 months, it it’s not cool that he wasn’t able to simply communicate with me about what was going on. Good or bad. That’s not considerate or respectful.
I just had high hopes and this felt really good and lovely and I need to let that go.
Dave: Yes, Put your high hopes and faith in yourself. Trust that the universe/your higher self is providing you with exactly what you want and need; always was and always will.
One week later.
Alison: Hi! I am doing much better. You telling me that the universe did me a huge favor really hit home for me this time. I am trying to live with gratitude and knowing that the universe will and does match me with what I put out. I had another really sad moment on Sunday but it becomes easier to get into a lighter place and to remind myself that this was either not the right time or he is not the right person. And that is seeping into other parts of my life…the lightness. I am also always remembering that you told me if it makes me feel good, excited, curious and interested to go with it and I do that now in each and every moment and it helps me just feel better and happier.
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Alison was seeing accurate signs that, for whatever reason, he wasn’t willing, ready or able to be in relationship with her. And what she saw triggered fears of “not being good enough” which we all have in one form or another.
But what has started to change, is her ability to see this situation, rather than a sign of something being wrong with her, as a sign that this guy isn’t the right one. Alison is choosing where to take her mind rather than rather than following old patterned thinking habits. She is choosing the interpretation of events in her life rather than letting fear do it for her. And this small change is having a profound positive effect on her emotional well-being.
Well done, Alison!
I hope this helps.
Dave