Like so many middle-aged people, I’ve had the privilege of experiencing some lower back pain. My step-son who is studying to be a physiotherapist, told me about back strengthening exercises called Foundations Training. It’s good and I’ve seen some benefits. But that’s not what I’m writing about. I’m writing about what the teacher, Eric Goodman, says in one of the videos. I thought it was brilliant.
In the middle of a workout Goodman has the practitioners hold a challenging physical position that makes the legs tremble a bit., “(Right now)” Goodman says, “your hamstrings should be trembling. That little tremble is what’s making all the changes we want to make here.” That struck me as so profound. I realized that it’s not just our muscles that tremble. It’s us too.
How many times have we hated the way we’ve felt? How many times have we found ourselves in painful times wishing they would end? As soon as we have a feeling we don’t like, it seems we do our very best to run in the other direction. And fair enough! Why would anyone want to stay in a situation that feels horrible? Whether it’s anger, sadness, helplessness, despair or loneliness, it’s pretty normal and human to want it to stop. And I wouldn't ever argue that someone shouldn’t attempt to feel better in any situation.
But here’s my question: What would we miss out on if we never had an uncomfortable or painful feeling?
Unless we’re purposefully trying to build muscle, we don’t often think about what our muscles need to grow. A power lifter knows that in order to make a muscle stronger, we actually have to tear the muscle. It means pushing more weight than you’re used to and that means straining a bit; going outside the comfort zone. Everyone understands that people who lift weights get stronger. But what if this same phenomenon is happening in every other aspect of our life?
Personal story: I remember starting my career working at AADAC in downtown Edmonton which has since been incorporated into Alberta Health Services. I was asked to give an evening workshop called the information series. It was 2 hours, once a week for 4 weeks. I confidently thought, “No problem, I got this”.
Finally, when the night of the first session arrived I was a tad more nervous than I had anticipated. Nevertheless, I got up to the podium and I welcomed the group. I told an icebreaking joke that I’d I was sure would be hilarious. But I was so nervous my timing was off. Way off. The joke was dead before I’d gotten to the punch line. In the room of about 20 people, no one made a noise. Not a single noise. Not a cough. No rustling of a jacket being taken off. Not the ticking of a clock. Nothing.
As all these people looked at me, I imagined them all brutally judging me. I entered into a state of fear and began to panic. My stomach started gurgling. I broke out in a cold sweat, became instantly nauseated and felt as though my knees might buckle beneath me.
I don’t know why exactly, but my supervisor, Kim, was in the room (God bless that Kim!) Maybe she was concerned about me and wanted to make sure I was fine. But despite her presence, I freaked out anyway. I was losing it. I summoned all my strength, left the podium and schlepped my sweaty, gurgling, nearly collapsing body over to Kim’s chair in the corner.
“I gotta to get out of here.” She looked at me like she’d just been told she was pregnant… after 3 years of celibacy.
“What…?” she asked.
“I gotta get out of here”, I said. “I’m freaking out.”
“…Okay.” She answered. It was one of those okays that sounded more like, “What the f*ck am I going to do now?” I didn’t stop to think of any suggestions for her as I galumphed towards the door.
I slowly made my way back to my office to contemplate my absolute and utter failure. I imagined being fired due to my obvious inadequacies.
“Sorry, Dave. We like you and everything. But you’re just a little too stupid and worthless to work here. No hard feelings, eh? You really didn’t belong her anyway. But tell me again how the group crucified you! Hahaha! I love how stupid you must have looked!!”
And then of course, I went to worst case scenario. I’d be without a job, unable to get another one, and would, of course, lose my apartment, my friends, my family – all who would have known how stupid I’d been for years. I’d be homeless in Edmonton, in the winter - with not a nickel to my name. Drama queen? Yes, I fully admit it.
But what happened afterwards was not remotely as bad. At the break - about 50 minutes into the group, Kim came to my office and asked if I was ok and what had happened. I explained that I’d panicked and was a total loser and would be understanding if she fired me. She said, “Nonsense. You’re new and you’re going to be fine. And get this! She persuaded me to try again! I don’t know how she did it, but she got me to go back in to that room and finish the series. …And I did.
I flubbed my way through the rest of that evening and was so grateful when the meeting was over. For the following weeks I worked on turning what was previously just information, into my own knowledge and understanding. I completed the series with no further melt downs and even received a compliment from Kim about how I had made the material engaging for the participants.
After teaching that first course, I knew that I could present any information necessary and went on to run many different groups at AADAC over my 5 years there.
My point: If I’d seen the fear that I was experiencing on that first night as a sign of an upgrade – as a “trembling” that was going to make me stronger, I would have been able to welcome it and ride with it. Most likely, I would have been able to avoid my emotional melt down.
When things aren’t easy, we feel uncomfortable: We might sweat, get frustrated, get angry, feel overwhelmed or cry. If we really knew that what was happening to us, our experience would change immediately. A little trembling is a sign that we’re getting stronger… and we’d give ourselves the opportunity to feel better immediately.
All of the difficulties that we’ve come across…. All of the things that have been done to us… All of the things we’ve lost…. All of the hardships, all the losses, the disappointments, the seeming “failures” - all of life’s challenges, struggles, difficulties - They have made us better, more durable, tougher, wiser, more patient, more compassionate, more grateful, even more loving. All “difficulties” have the potential to lead to the upgrades that we are all actually wanting. We just have to get out of the way, stop hating them and let that happen.
Please don’t forget that that little tremble that you’re going through, that you went through, that you’re scared to go through - that’s the tremble we actually want. As Goodman says, it makes the changes that we’re all looking for. Feeling “bad” might be giving us more than we ever realized.
I hope this helps. ☺
Dave